My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don’t want ‘em to, you know, I’m like “Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you…and feed you a leaf.”

-Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005.

More Mitch (from this Slate article):

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I hate flossing; I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

More Mitchisms here.